Deceitful hypocrites pretend to be best friends, but when you turn your back, they betray, spreading lies and harmful gossip. How to calculate and deal with traitors?
Deceitful and hypocritical individuals pretend to be your best friends, but as soon as you turn your back, they betray you, spreading lies and harmful gossip. Whatever the reasons behind this behavior, it is important to be able to protect yourself from it. If this behavior on their part continues, you should find a way to end its impact on your life, either by forging a relationship with the traitor or ending it.
1. Protect yourself from traitors
1.1 Keep gossiping on your part to a minimum. If you are in the company of strangers, do not spread rumors. You might be tempted to be helpful to the newbie by telling them all the terrible things you've heard about your teacher or boss, but you never know who they are going to convey your words to. If you cannot resist gossip and complaints about a person, do it only in the company of people who have never seen this person.
There is nothing wrong with listening to gossip and rumors from other people, unless you yourself are involved. If the gossip stubbornly wants to tell you something, try to listen more and talk less.
1.2 Build good relationships with people around you. Try to be friendly and welcoming, even when you run into strangers. That way, when someone starts speaking out against you, others are less likely to take their side.
If you are at work, treat everyone with respect, not just your immediate colleagues and your boss. If you focus too much on this relationship alone, you may inadvertently offend a secretary, trainee, or downstream colleague who will remember it.
1.3 Learn to distinguish between signs of hypocrisy and betrayal as early as possible. The more time the traitor has to spread lies and harm you, the more difficult it will be for you to recover the damage done. If you notice signs of treachery early on, you can fend off attacks before they gain strength. Pay attention to the following warning signs:
False rumors of what everyone thinks you said or did.
Situations when you said something to someone personally, and now everyone around you knows about it.
People stop trusting you with information, assigning work assignments, or inviting you to events they've been invited to before.
For unknown reasons, people treat you coldly or unfriendly.
1.4 It should be remembered that not all annoying behavior is a sign of betrayal or hypocrisy. Make sure not to make an elephant out of a fly when you recognize a person as a traitor. Unpleasant behaviors, such as being systematically late, negligent, or narcissistic, are traits of an inattentive or unreasonable person, and not necessarily signs of treacherous betrayal. Rare misdemeanors, such as canceling a meeting at the last minute or neglecting your phone call, are also not signs of disingenuous treachery.
1.5 Start keeping records of what is happening. Once you begin to suspect betrayal on someone else's side, you should get used to writing down all suspicious incidents. Write down everything that happened and the reason why you think the person wanted to hurt you. With the notes, it will be easier for you to assess what is happening and find out where the unpleasant event is part of the general attitude towards you, and where it is just an accidental misunderstanding.
If you believe your work has been deliberately sabotaged, record it in a formal tone and reflect the harm done to your work. Include details of the successful completion of your assignment, positive feedback, and other specific evidence in this entry - this will give you the opportunity to defend your position if the sabotage becomes serious.
1.6 Know how to identify a traitor. Once you spot signs of targeted harm, look at people's behavior to narrow down the suspects. Observe how suspects behave repeatedly before drawing any conclusions - being rude to you may just be the result of a bad day. Here are a few patterns of behavior that you may notice in traitors and hypocrites:
When someone gives you an insincere compliment or acts like the criticism is a compliment, they can harbor envy and anger at you.
The person agrees with you when talking face to face, and then accepts the point of view of others (the opposite of yours) when you discuss the same issue in a group.
A potential traitor remembers all his past grievances and disrespectful actions in his address. This person has been holding a grudge against you for a long time and feels entitled to revenge.
The suspect is disrespectful to you, ignores your opinion, and does not change his behavior when you ask him to stop.
In addition to these signs, think about who might betray you. If someone systematically repeats information that you say in a small circle of your close friends, it must be someone you have confidence in. If a project you were working on got canceled, only someone who had access to the project's materials could do it.
1.7 Tell your friends about your suspicions. Don't jump to the conclusion that someone is intentionally harming you. Describe your suspicions to friends and ask them to honestly express their views. You need to find out if your reasoning looks reasonable from the outside, or if you simply attach too much importance to everything.
Discuss this with those in whom you are confident that they will not gossip, and ask to keep the conversation private.
If you have any suspicions about a particular person, talk to someone who knows him, but is not his friend. If you do not have reliable friends that fit this description, discuss it with someone who does not know him - describe the behavior of this person, not your opinion about him.
1.8 Do not become hypocrites and traitors yourself. You may be tempted to take revenge on that person with his own weapon. By being drawn into this behavior, you are likely to worsen the situation, ruin your mood, and become even more emotionally immersed in what is happening. Plus, it will not benefit your reputation, so even if you deal with the traitor (which is unlikely), you will have other problems.
2. Dealing with traitorous friends
2.1 Keep calm. Sometimes people do nasty things, and sometimes they lead to betrayal. By reacting with evil in return, you will not remedy the situation. It is in your best interest (in the short and long term) to remain calm and focus on the practical side of the matter. Do not ignore the situation, but try to go about your usual daily activities without the relentless desire to push the traitor to the wall.
2.2 Try to awaken the best part of his personality in the traitor. Being kind to a traitor is probably the last thing you would like to do, but if you calm down a little and sincerely admit that his position is somewhat correct, you can really make amends. Most passive-aggressive individuals feel that they have to resort to cunning and hurtful methods because their direct contribution is not appreciated.
Invite this person to the event. Do something fun and distracting that makes the traitor feel welcome again.
2.3 Ask the hypocrite to speak directly. Contact the traitor in person by texting or emailing him if face-to-face conversation is not possible. Politely tell him that you want to discuss the latest developments. Make sure that the conversation stays between you.
2.4 Describe the situation honestly so that the person does not feel threatened by you. Describe the incidents that hurt you and how they hurt you. Ask the person to agree with the facts (for example, with a message or letter sent to them, etc.).
Avoid sentences beginning with the word "you" - this will make the person feel accused and begin to defend themselves. Instead, use sentences like "I heard there are false rumors about me."
2.5 Hear this person's story. Chances are, your friend doesn't want to be angry with you for the rest of his life. Give him the opportunity to convey his point of view to you without interrupting or getting angry. There is always the possibility that you were wrong and that the situation is much more complicated than you thought.
2.6 Apologize for anything you were wrong about. Even if it seems to you that the main fault lies with a friend, look at the situation from his side. Apologize if you misunderstood your friend and accidentally offended him, even if you are guilty of only one episode out of many.
2.7 Forgive your friend when you are ready. If you want your friendship back, you need to forgive each other for the mistakes you make. Even if the relationship isn't working out anymore, forgiveness can help you move on and stop worrying about the betrayal.
2.8 Talk about your friendships and current problems. Be honest and open. If something goes wrong, discuss it in private. If one of you gets upset about a particular action or repetitive behavior of the other, talk to each other about the feelings that all of this causes.
2.9 Be prepared for change. After you have discussed the problems in your relationship, you need to prepare for the change in order to increase the level of trust between you and the satisfaction of the relationship. You may need to find new activities if your friend is uncomfortable with a regular pastime. If a friend tells you that your words hurt him, keep this in mind and try to avoid nicknames, intonations, and habits that hurt him.
Mistakes are inevitable, especially if you are trying to break old habits. Apologize if you made a mistake; forgive a friend when he does it.
2.10 If all else fails, end the friendship. Sometimes you are unable to restore trust, and betrayal leads to the end of the friendship. If you've made a sincere attempt and it didn't work, you need to find a way to move on.
By this point, most likely you have had at least one conversation about betrayal and your friendship. If your friend is not willing to fix the situation, just stop talking to him.
If both of you have already made an effort to rebuild your friendship and have not succeeded, it is likely that your friend already knows that you are upset. Calmly tell your friend that nothing is working out, and cut off contact with him.
Sometimes friendships can be naturally nullified. Invite a friend to events less and less often, skip his calls periodically. Total disregard can hurt him, but gradually pulling away will bring the same result with less pain.
3. Dealing with traitorous colleagues
3.1 Don't let traitorous colleagues get in the way of your work. Focus on work you can do without the help of your colleagues, and don't let your anger at them affect other work relationships and responsibilities. Don't give anyone else reason to be angry with you or disappointed in you.
3.2 Give your disloyal colleagues the opportunity to receive recognition from you for their positive qualities and the contributions they make. Most fellow traitors are not sociopaths - they are just people who know no other way to behave other than using tactics of cunning and intrigue. Make a sincere effort to acknowledge and encourage the positive contributions these colleagues are making.
During meetings or conversations, ask your disingenuous colleague for clarifications and comments on a topic in which he is knowledgeable.
Support him when he does or says something with which you agree. Do this only when you sincerely agree with him; do not overdo it or flatter this person.
If a traitorous colleague reacts rudely to these gestures, stop and move on to other methods. Some people just don't want to change their behavior, and you only have a few attempts to change their behavior.
3.3 Discuss the situation with a disloyal colleague in private. Describe to him any episodes that upset you - in person or by email. Speak openly about the issue and see if the person is mature enough to discuss it.
Try not to sound like you are accusing him of something. Use passive statements (“I noticed the project was not ready on time”) instead of active ones (“You did not finish the project on time”).
3.4 Support your statements with notes. As it was said in the section “Protect yourself from traitors”, you should have detailed information about the incidents that have occurred. If a coworker denies it, show him an email or other document that proves that he did the act.
If the colleague still denies, bring a witness.
3.5 If your job is in danger, make an appointment with a senior manager. If a colleague's behavior poses a serious threat, and talking with him about his responsibility did not work, make an appointment with your manager or a manager from the HR department (HR manager). This is especially worth doing if rumors about you indicate that you are violating company policy or doing something that could be a reason for recovery.
Come to the meeting with as much information as possible prepared. Documents, emails and anything else that would provide concrete evidence of harm done to you. Positive testimonials and work accomplishments can help dispel rumors of your laziness and unprofessionalism.
Don't be afraid to ask questions. If you have doubts about someone's account, ask him about it, giving him the opportunity to explain.
If possible, do not rely on fellow traitors in the future, do not ask them for favors.
Do not tell secrets to someone who has been treacherous (towards you or someone else).
Be careful what you say. Deceitful and hypocritical individuals can turn your words in such a way that they can be used against you.
Do not trust the friends of the traitors - they can be at the same time with them.