2023 Author: Katelyn Chandter | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-05-21 13:08
Protecting your own interests should be one of your priorities. There are many reasons why you can and should refuse. Being sharp is not easy, but sometimes it is necessary.
Refusing is normal, natural, and sometimes useful. There are many reasons why it is possible and necessary to refuse … however, there are just as many reasons why it is impossible to refuse, because of which, by the way, we often suffer subsequently. But if you read this article, then it will be easier for you to identify that fine line when you can refuse and not worry about it.
1. Principles
1.1 Understand when to say no. You know, two-year-olds very often say no. But with them, everything is clear - they have just learned that this happens at all, and the word “no” for them is fun. Two-year-olds are often seen as selfish and reckless, but some of their behavior is helpful for any adult who wants to learn to refuse. What exactly? It's okay to say no. Of course, adults, unlike children, understand when they can refuse and when they cannot.
It's okay to refuse when you just don't feel like something - as long as it doesn't affect your studies or work. There is nothing wrong with giving up something and taking the time for yourself.
Refusing when you simply do not have time for something is also quite normal. Many people simply do not realize how difficult it is sometimes to snatch an hour or two out of a busy schedule for some side activity. However, some people still know about this … but still ask for something of their own. So, just in case.
It is also possible and necessary to refuse in order not to get into an uncomfortable situation for oneself. Leaving your comfort zone just for the sake of indulging the desires of others is not required by anyone … well, unless you are not a soldier who should not break the oath.
You can also refuse when asked to buy something.
1.2 Find out why giving up is hard. There are always many specific reasons why it can be difficult for a person to refuse others. More often than not, people do not refuse because of the fear of the consequences of rejection. Again, thinking about the consequences is natural and correct. However, it is important to understand two things: firstly, experiences will not change anything, and secondly, experiences should not prevent you from acting in your own interests.
Why don't you be afraid to say no, there is a fear of the consequences at the core. What will people do? What will they say? What will they think? Are you missing something important to yourself? Accept the fact that you don't give up because of fear, and then accept another fact - that fear will not change anything and will not help anything.
1.3 Accept your strength and importance. As a piece of the puzzle, you are an important part of the surrounding “anthroposystem”. It would be incomplete without you. This statement is not even a statement, but a fact that is always true for everyone, both for hardened extroverts with thousands of friends, and for hardened homebody owls who do not leave home for months. Moreover, from the first fact the second follows - your decisions have a certain influence on the system around you. Accordingly, it is your duty to make sincere decisions. It will be better for everyone.
Fear of the consequences of rejection is a symptom of a more serious problem, namely the fear that you cannot influence others in any way. But it is treated simply, it is enough to recognize and accept the fact that you have all the strength to influence people around you, regardless of what is said or done.
1.4 Accept that all people are the same. On the one hand, of course, people are very different from each other - characters, opinions, attitudes, etc. However, they all have something in common. All people are cogs of one big machine called “human society”. And including you. This is a fact that is pointless to argue with. Accordingly, the only reasonable choice would be to do so in order to be happy. Do not think that you have a huge reserve of influence on people, which no one else in the world has. Everything is much more trivial: if you refuse, you will only use the same mechanism that millions of people around the world use every day. And how they will react to your refusal is already their difficulties, not yours.
You have every right to define for yourself the boundaries of what is acceptable. Judge for yourself, do your friends say no? They say. Do people continue to communicate with them? They continue. Truth be told, if you worry more about yourself, you won't be hated for it. They will hate you only when you start communicating with the people around you as with scum. At the same time, of course, the word “no” is not a manifestation of superiority - on the contrary, it is a manifestation of mutual respect.
1.5 Understand that rejection is not cruel. Refusal itself is absolutely neutral. Rude, evil, provoking refusal becomes in our eyes when a person refuses us rude, evil or defiant. But you can refuse quite calmly and even politely! Accordingly, there is no point in fearing that the refusal will damage your reputation if you refuse people, thinking about how you do it.
In other words, it is worth remembering two things: to refuse is okay, to refuse politely is right.
2. Methods
2.1 Give reasons for your refusal. The easiest way to refuse and not spoil anyone's mood for the day ahead is to say “no” and motivate your refusal. In this case, contrary to popular belief, any motive will do. Even if it seems to you that your reason is not weighty enough, you do not need to invent something else. If you just don’t feel like making a commitment to yourself, that’s reason enough, period.
For example, you are being asked out on a date and you don’t want to. What should I say? "Thanks but no. You are like a friend to me, no more. " And that's all, this will already tell the person that he / she has no chance. Believe me, you shouldn't come up with any other reasons. And don't forget to refuse politely.
Chances are that your real reason will seem silly or even irrelevant to the person. For example, refusals motivated by “no, I'm home, to sleep” or “I just don't want to” can be understood and accepted by not every person. If such a situation occurs, just remember that this is the reaction of another person - this is no longer your problem. The main thing is to be polite.
This is the way you should use it more often. Honesty and straightforwardness of your reputation will only benefit, you can be sure. If you find it difficult to refuse because of a negative childhood experience (say, bullying at school), then you will be surprised at how little refusal offends normal people.
2.2 Make a counter offer. Sometimes it happens that you have to refuse, but this does not mean that the offer is not interesting to you! For example, say you are working on weekends and a friend asks you to help him move. You would like to help, but you cannot. In this case, you can make a counter offer - on your own terms. Offer to help, say, just for a couple of hours, or offer to come the next day and help finish the rest.
Counter offers are less binding and, at the same time, different obligations. You need to use them when you do not want to refuse, but, due to third-party reasons that you cannot change, you must. In addition, counter offers will greatly help those who would be happy to refuse, but would not like to give up everything completely.
2.3 Suggest to try again later. For example, if a seller persistently invites you to buy a product or service, it is important to think not about him, but about your pocket. Refuse confidently and clearly, but to sweeten the pill, promise what else you will consider buying. And don’t worry if you don’t buy anything in the end - a little bit of a lie hasn’t hurt anyone yet … much.
For example, to politely show the salesperson that it is worth looking for another goal, politely say something like “Thank you, no need now,” and promise to remember his sentence, just in case.
Of course, this option is not suitable for those cases when you are making a decision, and you are asked what the decision will be. So, offering to make another attempt would be superfluous in such situations when you are an employer and they ask you if you will hire this or that job seeker, or, for example, when you are invited on a date. In such cases, it is better to simply refuse and motivate the refusal. It is harsh, of course, but it does not give false hopes.
2.4 Be humble. When asked to shoulder too much responsibility, use humility as an advantage. Confidently refuse the offer, tell them that you are not the best candidate for such a job. Then you can simply refuse, or you can continue to develop the topic of the lack of skills and abilities necessary to do the job - it all depends on what you are asked for and what your reputation has developed.
If you just don't want to take on unnecessary responsibility, then say so.
If the request sounds intriguing, but you are sure that you will not pull it, rely on a lack of knowledge. The main thing is not to go too far - you do not want to be alone with a feeling of self-doubt?
2.5 Answer problematic requests with a sharp refusal. Yes, being polite is best, but sometimes your politeness will be mistaken for weakness. Accordingly, if someone tries to force you to agree, makes fun of your motive and demands an explanation, then it would be necessary to put the boor in his place. The next time that person asks you to do something you don’t want, give him a firm “don’t want” or “will not”. And that's all, he doesn't need to know anything else. Ask for an explanation? Ask what exactly in the word “no” he needs to be explained.
Yes, it will anger the person you refuse. However, in those rare cases when such a method of refusal still takes place, there is nothing to worry about. Yes, being sharp is not easy, but sometimes it is just necessary.
Just being angry with you doesn't mean the friendship is over. Nevertheless, this method should be used only when all other options have been tried, but nothing helps.
Advice
Be positive and kind when you refuse. This business is simple and useful, as it makes people understand that your refusal is not caused by the fact that you are offended by them or something like that.
If you refuse in a situation where refusing means putting your health at risk, you should seek help from the authorities, and as soon as possible. Use your common sense to survive until help arrives safe and sound, but do not delay the call for help. Remember that help will come to everyone - in the person of friends, relatives, police, employees of the relevant services, etc. Don't forget this.