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2023 Author: Katelyn Chandter | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-05-21 13:08
Every married couple faces quarrels. However, not everyone knows how to cope with them. Recurring unresolved conflicts are especially dangerous. They are the ones who ruin even the most seemingly strong marriage. Due to the fact that during a disagreement spouses often hurt each other, they think about the question - is it possible to win marital quarrels? In order to answer, you must first understand why husband and wife often argue.
Causes of quarrels
There are 16 main reasons for quarrels in marriage:
1. Household problems
Most often, domestic quarrels arise when household responsibilities are either not distributed at all, or are divided unfairly. For example, you and your spouse both work, but in addition someone else cleans up, cooks, does laundry, and goes to the store. Perhaps this "someone" is you. However, most likely your wife is doing it. Familiar situation? This means that outbreaks of discontent and quarrels periodically arise in your family.
2. Psychological incompatibility
This includes differences in character, behavior, hobbies, lifestyle in general. It's one thing when you and your spouse have about the same view of the world, although you do have some differences. However, quarrels are inevitable if you are different as “earth” and “heaven”: from the time of getting up in the morning to political views. You can argue, they say, opposites attract? Yes, this happens, provided that people have points of contact. Here we are talking about two complete opposites.
3. Financial difficulties
Spouses often “squabble” over money. More often due to costs. There are many examples. Either the wife spends a significant part of your budget on personal purchases or looks, then you buy something for yourself without telling her. And in general, you cannot agree on where to spend the accumulated money in the first place: either for repairs, to which your hands cannot reach, or for a car.
4. Pathological jealousy
How many marriages have broken up due to unhealthy jealousy of one of the spouses? Countless. More often husbands are pathological jealous, but wives also often go crazy because of obsessive suspicions. No one can keep strong feelings inside for a long time, therefore constant quarrels arise on this basis. It doesn't matter if there is a real reason for jealousy. Think about it if you are jealous of your wife again.
5. Treason
It is possible to hide treason for some time. However, remember that women are very sensitive to this type of betrayal, and not everyone forgives the appearance of a mistress. The same goes for you. If your wife is cheating on you, you will eventually understand it. When spouses fall for infidelity, a big fight cannot be avoided.
6. Disrespectful communication
Of course, once you can endure a dismissive attitude, insult or humiliation. But even the most persistent will not be able to withstand systematic disrespect. If your wife treats you in this way, or you allow yourself such behavior, then your quarrels will become more dramatic each time and lead to divorce.
7. Lack of affection, tenderness, attention and care
Lack of pleasant emotions for both you and your spouse will lead to an accumulation of tension. How do people often deal with negativity? It is easy to guess that in most cases it is simply thrown out.
8. Excessive control
It is clear that in marriage, people must inform where they are going and for how long. But sometimes control goes beyond reasonable limits. If you often require her to show incoming sms or messages in instant messengers … Or she constantly monitors your phone via GPS … Obviously, not everything is going smoothly in your marriage. And quarrels based on hypercontrol are understandable.
9. Problems in sex
Quarrels in marriage are also common because of sexual incompatibility and dissatisfaction. It so happens that one of the spouses needs to make love several times a day, while the other needs only once a week. Or partners do not raise the topic of sex at all and do not discuss who likes what. If you are familiar with this situation, then you know how difficult it is to live peacefully with such problems. After all, sex is one of the ways of emotional release.
10. Lack of emotional support and help
Conflicts often break out due to the fact that one of the spouses does not support and does not respond to requests. For example, your wife asks you to hang a picture. This can be done in 5 minutes. However, you take your time and then you forget. She asks again, on another day. And again everything repeats itself. The third time, most likely, the wife will already be annoyed. And there will be no fourth request, a quarrel will begin instead. Emotional support is the same. It is impossible to always support each other, sometimes there is no strength for this. However, if you stop doing this altogether, resentments will accumulate, and then quarrels will occur more and more often.
11. Different views on leisure activities
Do you spend your free time playing video games, and your wife loves to visit? Or, on the contrary, are you a lover of outings, and your spouse is a homebody? In any case, if you have radically different approaches to relaxation, you will rarely spend time together. Over time, because of this, disputes and conflicts will begin to arise.
12. Any kind of addiction
If one of you (or both) is addicted to alcohol, drugs, gambling, etc., then scandals between you happen regularly. Addiction is a serious illness and many marriages fall apart from it.
13. Unfriendly relations with relatives
Unfortunately, relationships with parents or other relatives are not always friendly. Perhaps your mother-in-law does not like you, and she constantly turns his wife against you. Or, on the contrary, your parents did not approve of the choice of your wife from the very beginning, and now they say nasty things about her. In any case, numerous clashes between loved ones can lead to marital quarrels.
14. Struggle for leadership
An equally popular cause of quarrels is power struggles in marriage. This only happens in those families where one of the spouses does not agree with his role. For example, not all men enjoy being leaders. And not all women like to be in a "subordinate" position. If your family has such disagreements, it is likely that conflicts and disputes on this topic are not uncommon.
15. Work
By default, men are required to advance their career and earn good money. However, rarely does anyone think about the downside of these requirements. Are you familiar with your spouse's reproaches because you are often late at work? Do you work on weekends? See you only late at night? The frustration of an unresolved problem builds up, and then an emotional outburst occurs.
16. Disagreements in parenting
If you and your wife have a child, then you may be familiar with quarrels over different views on parenting. Especially often spouses quarrel when children have age crises. For example, at 3 years old, the baby becomes more independent, stubborn and constantly checks the boundaries of the parents. Hence, conflicts arise over the methods of education. And when he grows up into an uncontrollable teenager … Mom and Dad can find out for an infinitely long time who is to blame for the way he grew up. Well, and then the same spouses quarrel over his future: who should he study for, where to live during his studies, etc.
As you can see, fights in marriage arise for a variety of reasons. So is it possible to win marital quarrels? Yes, but with only one condition: both spouses must become winners. To do this, you need to translate the quarrel into a constructive dialogue. As the saying goes, "the best fight is the one that didn't take place."
How to quarrel correctly?
The following rules will help you and your wife learn how to translate a fight into a constructive channel:
One quarrel - one complaint
Fight on only one topic. If the conflict began with one reason, then it should be discussed. If you mix all the problems in one pile, you and your spouse will simply get confused and will not come to an adequate solution.
Here and now
You should not remember grievances and mistakes from the past, especially on emotions. If some of you have "unhealed wounds", but they do not relate to the subject of the dispute, then it is better to choose another time for their discussion.
Politeness
Winning a quarrel is definitely unrealistic if you start insulting each other. Offensive and derogatory words can turn an ordinary conflict into a bright scandal. Therefore, absolutely always stick to this rule. Even if you really want to send each other "to hell" and say nasty things.
Calm, only calm
Learn to express emotions without being aggressive. In other words, you cannot "tear and throw", throw objects, slam doors, punch on the table, etc. Aggressive habits can cause fear, but will not help in solving the problem.
Everything takes its time
Find a convenient time to sort out the relationship. If a conflict is brewing when you are both on the street, in a movie, or going to work, hold back your emotions and agree to talk it over later. You need enough time for a constructive conversation, you won't have time to do it in 5 minutes.
Alone
Do not quarrel in front of other people. First, it is usually unpleasant for others to look at how people sort things out. It is doubly bad to quarrel in front of parents and relatives. After all, you can soon reconcile, but loved ones will remember this moment and in the future may begin to interfere with your marriage.
Rule of good taste
Don't allow yourself to raise your tone. For a mutual victory in a quarrel, everyone needs to be heard. A raised tone or shouting will definitely not help here. As difficult as it is, both of you will have to learn to speak calmly.
Clear and understandable
Each of you should ask the question: "Do I understandably explain my discontent?" It also happens that due to excitement, spouses speak too quickly, or they are embarrassed to speak directly and use hints, or go around the bush for a long time. In order for your wife to hear, and she understands you, you need:
- speak in simple language;
- monitor the speed of speech;
- give examples;
- if necessary, paraphrase or repeat what was said.
Take turns
Another important rule is to listen carefully to your opponent. If you and your wife interrupt each other, interrupt with the phrases "I disagree (s)", the fight will quickly get out of control.
Maturity
Don't leave home for a long time because of an argument. Of course, you can go outside, get some fresh air to calm down. However, you should not run away from home to visit relatives or friends for the night or several days. Why? Everything is simple: this method of responding to a conflict situation is called "avoidance." This is immature behavior that is best avoided. In addition, avoiding the problem can, on the contrary, "mothball" the quarrel.
Peaceful ball
A quarrel can be transformed into a calm channel with the help of a game. Do not think that this is a frivolous undertaking and generally a waste of time. In fact, conducting psychological games is one of the most successful and popular methods in psychotherapy. Therefore, carefully study the algorithm of actions:
- Agree in advance that as soon as you feel the emotional heat, you will try to play. This will require a small soft ball.
- You can only speak with him in your hands.
- As soon as one of you speaks out, he must throw the ball to the second.
- At the end of the game, thank each other for their sincerity, hug and kiss.
To understand and to forgive
If someone in your couple was wrong, they need to learn to ask for forgiveness. Well, the other side is to forgive. This skill allows you to maintain a marriage bond for years.
Drunken spouse - grief in the family
Do not quarrel while drunk. In most cases, a drunk person is not able to calmly react to a conflict. And if both spouses have drunk, then discussing grievances will at best be useless. At worst, it will develop into a grandiose scandal, which in the morning you will remember with shame and horror. A drunk person first needs to sober up, come to his senses, and only then talk about serious topics.
No violence
When sorting out the relationship, it is strictly forbidden to "let go of your hands." It doesn't matter what the reason for the quarrel is. Just remember that physical violence in the home kills love faster than jealousy, control, cheating, or addiction.
Summing up
Look for a way out of a conflict situation. Make an informed decision together. If you pretend that the problem does not exist, it will not go away. Unspoken grievances, unacceptable claims will remain, they will become more and more. And the same type of quarrels will be repeated.
Now you know how to quarrel properly. However, you are unlikely to be able to always follow the rules during disagreements. Yes, and your wife may find it difficult to immediately learn to restrain emotions. Therefore, if the quarrel is out of control, it is important to be able to make up.
How to make up?
To reconcile with your spouse, you need to take the following steps:
1. Think carefully about the reason for the disagreement, because the joint final decision will depend on it.
2. Use the "feeling diary" technique. To do this, take a notebook and write down all the thoughts about the disagreement, as well as the feelings that you experienced.
3. Take a short break to calm down completely. You can watch a movie, listen to music, read, go in for sports, do the cleaning. The main thing is that at the end you stop being annoyed or angry.
4. It is not recommended to be silent for a long time and ignore each other. In order to come to your senses, and think everything over, an hour or two will be enough. But the "game of silence" will only further alienate you.
5. Try to overpower yourself and take the first step towards reconciliation.
6. Be prepared for the fact that your beloved may not have "cooled down" after a quarrel. Therefore, if she did not make contact, try again later.
7. During reconciliation, you cannot blame or blame your wife. So just ask for forgiveness, she will surely do the same.
8. After a while, calmly discuss the cause of the argument.
9. Express what is in your heart and offer to do the same to your wife. Use "me-message" in the conversation. This means that you should talk about your feelings without blame. Start the phrase with "I felt (s) …" or "I was …". Example: “I felt angry (I got angry) when you told me to take my socks off the floor from the doorway. I came home from work tired and annoyed anyway. " At the end, you can add a polite request: "Please, next time, remind me to put my socks away later when I rest."
10. Try to reach a compromise to avoid repetition of the fight. If you have forgiven each other, then do not come back to this problem again and again.
Yes, the steps are not easy, but they will almost certainly lead you and your wife to reconciliation. However, sometimes additional measures are required. For example, such:
- If you can't make it up "in person", try to write a detailed letter or message.
- If your wife understands your humor, defuse the situation with a kind joke.
- Give her something valuable.
Of course, getting over pride can be difficult. But remember why you married your chosen one. You and her have one goal - to live a long and happy life. It is desirable together, helping each other. That is why, if your spouse is stubborn, you need to be more flexible, otherwise after another quarrel you will disperse.
So, to summarize, we can say for sure that quarrels in marriage are inevitable, and they are not always destructive evil. In them, both spouses get to know each other better, draw certain conclusions, learn to cooperate and seek a compromise. Remember that marriage is a team game and you are fighting on the same side. You both need to learn how to quarrel correctly, then neither of you will feel like a loser and humiliated.