Children are much more unpredictable and restless than you think. You will have to grow and learn to live with them. 20 mistakes you will definitely make when you become a father
He ran away. The whole apartment will be a nursery. In the toilet, he will drown the cubes, in the kitchen sculpt from green peas, draw minions on the sofa, sleep - exclusively at your side. And in the nursery, except to slam the door and write in the diary, which ancestors are fools, but this is only after 10 years.
1. You just need to educate children properly … Our child will eat porridge with appetite / behave decently in public places / play useful educational games.
One day you come across a similar comment on a social network and think, what kind of naive idiot wrote this? Then you will see the date and nickname, and you will feel very, very ashamed, because you wrote it yourself, even before you became a dad.
2. Why are you so nervous? Have you been at home all day?
You come back from work and, while sipping tea in a relaxed manner, say it in the back to your wife, who, for some reason, rattles the dishes in the sink very annoyedly. And, perhaps, you will get a cup on the forehead. And for what - you will understand yourself when you naively volunteer to sit with your child and discover that “staying at home” and “staying at home with your child” are two big differences.
3. Ha, they write here that newborns sleep 20 hours a day, which means that I can take work home, and even have time to play tanks …
I thought of everything, right? But it does not say that sometimes children sleep no longer than 10-15 minutes in a row, and exclusively in your arms (on both, do not dream!), And in short periods of wakefulness they scream heartbreakingly, actively poop, vomit and violently fight off the offered food …
4. What did she say? Rinse with boiling water and add this strange powder?
You will certainly be wrong with the sequence of actions, and with the proportions, and it is good, if not with the powder, and the kitchen will become very dirty by evening … And then feed the baby something completely inappropriate from the point of view of mom: french fries or meat. Pickled from dumplings. And the baby will love it.
5. Oh, mom will come to visit. So she will sit with the baby
It's time to tell you the cruel truth. All these years, mothers lied to both you and your wife, telling how they dream of becoming grandmothers and messing with grandchildren. In fact, they want to drink tea with marmalade, watch the Voice show and discuss Pugacheva's new marriage. And so that sometimes they would bring a clean, elegant toddler and take pictures with him as a keepsake.
6. Come on, the wagon has left the diapers, tomorrow I'll go home from work, I'll buy more
The sandwich falls butter down is Murphy's law, and diapers run out at three in the morning is the law of diapers. A trip to a 24-hour pharmacy along a cold dark street will take place, you can be sure. (Be smarter, stock up).
7. He still does not really know how to stand, he will not reach the third shelf
What did you leave there? Passport, glasses, important report, brand new iPad? Say goodbye to them!
8. Slipik, combo, socks, but where is this? And, I'll pull it on top!
Then you will decide that the world has become a better place, because all the way to the kindergarten people will smile at you. And only when the teacher with the words "poor you are mine" pats her daughter on the head and asks if her mother is sick, you will understand that something is wrong here.
9. What is it with the child? Hmm, I'll ask on the Internet
From the Internet, you immediately learn that your golden child does not meet any age standards, suffers from several incurable diseases at the same time, goes through a monstrous crisis of such and such a year, will certainly grow up a maniac and hand you over with your mother to a nursing home.
ten. What a cool train, with rails, switches, a motor … we will build and play together. Expensive, of course, but what can't you do for the sake of your child!
Here's what the game will be: a child takes a precious Pullman wagon (an exact copy) and uses it to hammer triangular figures into the square windows of his one-year-old sorter. Isn't it fun?
11. What silence! It looks like the small one has finally calmed down
ANXIETY! ANXIETY! Search urgently and check what he does. Oh, it's late. The room - from the carpet to the night light - is already moisturized with calendula cream.
12. What's the problem? Just take it and teach
As soon as you get distracted from the upbringing process, it seems to you that it is easier to teach a child something (take off your shoes, eat with a fork, etc.), and you will start giving your wife advice again. To keep the peace in the family, every time you want to say about something related to the child, try to do it yourself first.
13. Oh, now I'm going to take a cool photo! Sit straight
Get ready for thousands of blurry photos of something you don't know on your memory card. It will be a pity to remove them all and really want to show them to friends with the explanation: "Here, if it were not for the hand, it would be visible …"
14. Okay, don’t roar, well, one pony was lost, but you have a hundred of them!
Not a hundred, but exactly 35, or rather, now 34, and you had no idea how valuable the 35th individual was, and what you would have to crank in order to get exactly the same, connecting all your contacts.
15. Let's see "The Valley of Bloody Nightmares", she still doesn't understand anything
You learn about your mistake a few years later, explaining to your child that nothing will come out from under the bathroom and no one will fly through the window.
16. Let's make a nursery like this. There will be a Swedish wall, there will be a desk … Here the child will sleep, play and study
He ran away. The whole apartment will be a nursery. In the toilet, he will drown the cubes, in the kitchen sculpt from green peas, draw minions on the sofa, sleep - exclusively at your side. And in the nursery, except to slam the door and write in the diary, which ancestors are fools, but this is only in 10 years.
17. Our child cannot read! Okay, enough TV and tablet. Only educational games!
You will remember why you initially gave your child a tablet within 20 minutes after the start of these damn educational games.
18. You see, when a hydrogen atom and two oxygen atoms …
No, this is a bad explanation. All explanations that raise new questions are bad. Well, that is, from the point of view of pedagogy, they are good, but from the point of view of taking a break from questions, they are very, very bad.
19. What a cool thing! And why didn't they want to buy it for me as a child?
Buy, buy this tambourine, nunchucks and a set of Chinese slimes, and you will find out that your parents were wiser than they seem.
20. When will they finally grow up and I will be able to rest from them and stop worrying all the time?
Well, they have grown. And for some reason you are still worried. And you miss me terribly.