Many people take advantage of your kindness, and when you refuse, they accuse you of double selfishness and heartlessness? To live the way you want yourself is not selfishness. Selfishness is when others have to think and live the way you want them to.
There are many people in the world who are called trouble-free. You can turn to them at any time of the day for help, and they will never refuse. Many attribute this property of their character to the merits of a person, because it is beneficial to always "have at hand" such a "fail-safe" in order to throw some of their problems onto him.
However, rarely does anyone take the trouble to think: maybe a person simply cannot refuse?
People who cannot say “no” often do not have enough time for their own affairs and personal life, although as gratitude for their reliability, they can at best count on a dubious compliment.
The old film "Autumn Marathon" with Oleg Basilashvili in the title role is a vivid example of a trouble-free person and what the inability to refuse leads to. The hero of the film is not young, but he never learned to refuse and live the way he wants to. His life almost passed, but he never took place as a person, because he always lived the way others wanted.
Reliable people always, like a magnet, attract people who actively use their inability to refuse. We can say that the executioner is looking for a victim, and the victim is an executioner. And even if the “bezotkaznik” suddenly rebelled and gave up the role of a lifesaver, he would be immediately accused of double selfishness and heartlessness.
There are golden words that everyone should remember: “To live the way you want yourself is not selfishness. Selfishness is when others have to think and live the way you want."
Why are people afraid to say no?
People who fulfill other people's requests against their will often have a soft and indecisive character. In their hearts, they really want to say "no", but they are so afraid to embarrass or offend another person with a refusal that they force themselves to do something that they do not like at all.
Many people later regret that they once wanted to, but could not say no.
Often people, refusing, pronounce the word "no" as if they feel guilty about something - it seems to them that some unpleasant reaction will follow. Indeed, many are not used to being denied, and “no” causes a negative reaction in them - they are rude, break off relations, etc.
Some people do not say “no” for fear of becoming unnecessary and alone.
How to refuse politely?
By saying no, we often make enemies for ourselves. However, it is worth remembering that it is more important for us - to offend someone with a refusal or to take upon ourselves the fulfillment of obligations that weigh us down. Moreover, it is not at all necessary to refuse in a rude manner. For example, the same diplomats try not to say "yes" or "no", replacing them with the words "Let's discuss this."
When saying no, it is worth remembering that:
this word can protect against problems;
can mean "yes" if pronounced uncertainly;
successful people are more likely to say no than yes;
by denying what we cannot or don’t want to do, we will feel like a winner.
There are a few simple polite refusals that show that everyone can do the job.
1. Outright refusal
Some people believe that when they refuse something, it is imperative to name the reason for the refusal. This is a misconception. First, the explanations will look like excuses, and the excuses will give the person asking hope that you can change your mind. Secondly, it is not always possible to name the real reason for the refusal. If you invent it, in the future, the lie can be exposed and put both in an awkward position. In addition, a person who speaks insincerely often gives himself away with facial expressions and voice.
Therefore, it is better not to fantasize, but simply to say "no" without adding anything else. You can soften the refusal by saying: “No, I cannot do this,” “I don’t want to do this,” “I don’t have time for this.”
If a person ignores these words and continues to insist, you can use the "spoiled plate" method, repeating the same refusal words after each of his tirades. No need to interrupt the speaker with objections and ask questions - just say no.
This method is suitable for rejecting people who are aggressive and overly persistent.
2. Compassionate rejection
This technique is suitable for rejection of people who tend to achieve their own requests, causing pity and sympathy. In this case, it is worth showing them that you empathize, but that you cannot help.
For example, "I am very sorry for you, but I cannot help you." Or "I see that it is not easy for you, but I cannot solve your problem."
3. Reasonable refusal
This is a rather polite refusal and can be used in any setting - formal or informal. It is suitable both for refusal to older people, and for refusal to people occupying a higher position in the career ladder.
This refusal assumes that you name the real reason why you cannot fulfill the request: “I cannot do this, because tomorrow I am going to the theater with the child”, etc.
It will be even more convincing if you name not one reason, but three. This technique is called failure for three reasons. The main thing in its application is the brevity of the wording, so that the asking person can quickly grasp the essence.
4. Delayed failure
This method can be used by people for whom it is a psychological drama to refuse someone a request, and they almost automatically agree to any request. People of this kind often doubt their righteousness and tend to endlessly analyze their actions.
A delayed refusal allows you to reflect on the situation, and, if necessary, seek advice from friends. Its essence is not to say "no" right away, but to ask for time to make a decision. Thus, you can insure yourself against rash steps.
Reasonable refusal may look like this: “I cannot answer now because I do not remember my plans for the weekend. Perhaps I made an appointment with someone to meet. I need to look at my weekly to clarify. " Or “I need to consult at home”, “I need to think. I'll tell you later,”etc.
You can refuse in this way to people who are assertive and do not tolerate objections.
5. Compromise denial
Such a refusal can be called a half refusal, because we want to help a person, but not completely, but partially, and not on his terms, which seem unreal to us, but on our own. In this case, it is necessary to clearly define the conditions of assistance - what and when we can and what we cannot.
For example, "I can take your child to school with mine, but just let him be assembled by eight." Or "I can help you with your renovations, but only on Saturdays."
If such conditions do not suit the asker, then we have the right to refuse with a calm soul.
6. Diplomatic refusal
It presupposes a mutual search for an acceptable solution. We refuse to do what we do not want or cannot, but together with the person asking us we are looking for a solution to the problem.
For example, "I cannot help you, but I have a friend who deals with these issues."Or "Perhaps I can help you in another way?"
In response to examples of different refusal techniques, one might argue that it is necessary to help people and that by refusing others, we ourselves risk finding ourselves in a difficult situation where we will have nothing to count on someone else's help. Note that we are talking only about the requests of people who are accustomed to "playing with one goal", believe that everyone is obliged to them and abuse the reliability of other people.