The more we are distracted by "must" and "must", the less time we have for "want". One of the main secrets of happiness is doing what you want to do.
There is a simple “test” that determines how quickly you will achieve your goals. Track during the day, for example, every hour, what you are doing at the moment, and answer yourself a question - you are doing this now because you “must”, “must” or “want”. The more time you devote to “want”, the faster and more fully you will achieve your goals.
Another important point is your goals. To what extent are the goals that you set for yourself - yours?.. What caused them, what foundation do they hide?
Conventionally, all goals can be divided into goals “I want, because this is mine, this is a part of me, it naturally arises from my essence” and the goal “I want to avoid something terrible and terrible, or so that there are no such and such troubles”. In other words, we are talking about two strategies - achieving success and avoiding failure. Self-confidence and the right to happiness and success give strength; fear deprives you of strength and energy, and even if it does, and it happens, it deprives you of the "gusto" of life!
Whatever goal you set for yourself, dig deeper and see what lies at its core:
If you want independence, no matter what, monetary or emotional, from your parents or spouse, give these people what you expect from them - this very independence to do as they see fit, in terms of money or requirements. To avoid resentment and false expectations, you need to do only two things - to allow others to do what others see fit, this is the first thing. Secondly - do and say yourself what you think is necessary, while not imposing your point of view, and not considering yourself guilty that you have it and you act according to it. The quickest and easiest way to change others is to continue doing what you see fit, without fear of resentment, and without demanding anything from others in return, without seeking to remake others! Not meeting resistance, they will not be so persistent in proving and defending their positions, the need will simply disappear.
If you want to find a loved one or strengthen your relationship, realize what lies behind this goal? The desire to be loved, and it exists when there is a need for love, is a very natural desire. It is useless to scold and blame yourself for loving someone you love, even if he (a) does not reciprocate. First of all, do not deprive yourself of love, care yourself and do not blame for love and the need for love. Secondly, to make sure that you have enough of this love, start giving this love yourself to the one from whom you expect it - to begin with, simply mentally directing the flows of your love to him. Just give without expecting anything in return. This is a sign of your wealth and strength. It is a self-renewing, inexhaustible source.
The biggest "pest" in the life of an adult is the words "must or must". As soon as these words arise, in the mind or aloud, we deprive ourselves and others of a greater share of our potential, energy, creative power, love of life, cheerfulness, we voluntarily become hostages of these “must and must”.
“Grown up, serious” people cannot imagine their life without “must and must”. At the same time, they continue to live with the values that came from childhood - “what is good and what is bad”. You can spend a lot of time “eradicating your shortcomings and struggling with yourself”, while it is enough to remember, as they say, “it just won't jump up into a boil.” By forbidding oneself to do something or by sticking the label “this is bad”, a person gives a huge potential for growth to his so-called shortcomings. And he deviates from the main goals, deprives them of the energy and time that he spends on fighting with himself.
It is impossible or possible to defeat oneself, but that will no longer be the person himself, but his pale likeness, exhausted, devoid of vital energy.
Allow yourself to do what you want, as soon as you do it - you, firstly, will see that this goal is available, and secondly, it is not so necessary. For example, a person constantly controls his anger. But where does such an excessive need for aggression come from? The desire to suppress others arises from the insistent need to protect oneself, therefore, this is what this person lacked most of all. Instead of aggressively attacking others and thus exposing yourself to additional danger, or blaming yourself for outbursts of anger, the need for anger, all you need to do is take steps to feel protected. And the main thing is to believe in yourself, remember what you are strong in, develop self-confidence.
In psychology, there is the so-called law of reflection - all the words that your opponent addresses to you, everything that he wants to correct in you, or what he suspects, in fact, he says to himself. But to say all this to oneself can be problematic, therefore it is not always possible to accept yourself as you are and at the same time to love, appreciate, and approve. But this is the only way to harmony with oneself and the outside world. To see light in others, one must be a source of light oneself; in order to see virtues in others, one must first find them in oneself.
It is very difficult, but possible - at least once a week, allow yourself to do, everything is only what you want and (!), In no case, do not scold, do not reproach yourself for this, do not consider yourself guilty. As a marketer might say, if you don't praise yourself, nobody will. The words of a psychologist in this case: you will not take care of yourself - do not expect that someone should take care of you.
One of the main secrets of happiness is doing what you want to do. Of course, not all desires are literally realizable, but all of them once arisen have a very good reason and it will increase, the more - the more a person does not allow himself to do this. If you don't give yourself the right to eat a slice of cake when you feel like it, you will likely end up with a cake required to satisfy a delayed need. If a person does not stop the other in a timely manner with a calm phrase: “I don’t like it, these words upset me, I feel bad,” then the case may end in dislike or hatred, towards another or myself. If you want to fly, it is unlikely that you will grow wings - but you can fly in a hot air balloon. Any desire is realizable, you just need to find a way how to best translate it into reality. And realizing these very desires, a person approaches the meaning of his life, to what he lives for, to his self-actualization, self-realization, self-improvement, harmony, happiness.
It can be difficult to quit bad habits, because a person, “trusting” stereotypical values, considers them unworthy, blames himself for them and, as a result, does not see his real goals. To quit a bad habit is not a goal, the goal is what is behind it, the goal is because of what it arose, to understand what was missing at the moment when it appeared and to bring it into your life - this is the goal.
The habit of doing what one wants, and not what is needed and should be - this is in the customs of self-confident people or enlightened "Zen", and the most important thing is what distinguishes people who are happy.
There is no “should or should”, if it is so difficult for you to part with these two words, then: “You should be happy, you should be happy!”
How did you feel after reading the last sentence?
The natural reaction that comes from the very gut, the depths of nature is “I don’t want to be happy, I don’t have to, I don’t have to!” What changed? All in all, there were two very “correct and adult” words - “must and must”.
If you want to deprive someone of his power, or make someone not do something or do it as badly as possible, with disgust - tell him, her, yourself - “must, must”.
If you want to feel happy, find why you want to do what you do. Only not for excuses, but observing environmental cleanliness - listening to yourself, maintaining agreement with yourself. If you do something, do it because you want it, out of love, with pleasure, or do not do it at all, at least one day a week! Nobody is obliged or owed anything! Happy people are people who do when they want to; do it out of love, not out of fear. Rehabilitate the feeling of fear, experiencing fear, the person shows that he does not care what will happen to him; he wishes himself good, love and prosperity.
1. Do what you want!
2. Never blame yourself for this!
3. Find out why you want to do what you do!
4. Until you understand this - do not! At least once a week!
5. Give yourself the legal and natural right to be happy without feeling guilty!
