A good relationship is not all about honeymoon and other romantic delusions. Eight stages on the path to true and mutual love.
Strong relationships and mutual love are not a static state of two unchanging people. It is a psychological and spiritual journey that begins in the ecstasy of attraction, moves forward on the thorny path of self-discovery, and culminates in the creation of a close, joyful and lasting union. Harville Hendrix.
Getting into a relationship and believing that your whole life will be spent in the euphoria of the honeymoon or the idyllic, romantic love of the very first period is like taking offense at a child for going through the natural crisis stages of growing up.
Any strong relationship has previously gone through certain regular stages of development, but sometimes people believe that a "good" relationship is one continuous honeymoon that ends only with their death. This only happens in movies and books, and that's why they end faster than real relationships last in real life.
Many couples break up or crack because they consider the problems that arise during the development of their relationship to be something abnormal, a loss of love, mutual understanding, although in reality the relationship simply "matures", they lose their naivety and pass into the stage of true intimacy, mutual understanding and true love … The main thing is not to stop and not get stuck at any of the stages, to accept each of them as the most necessary and natural on the way to mutual understanding and true love, strong relationships, marriage, family.
What are these stages and how to behave correctly in order to achieve true love, safely passing the crisis periods?
Often there are three traditional stages of relationships - honeymoon, the struggle of pride and true love. In reality, there are more of these stages, there are eight of them. There may be even more of them, but let us dwell on these eight as the most necessary, experienced by all lovers on the way to real strong mutual love.
Stage 1. Stage of euphoria.
Stage 2. Stage "rose-colored glasses".
Stage 3. The stage of the struggle of pride.
Stage 4. Transition period.
Stage 5. Break stage.
Stage 6. Construction stage.
7 stage. The stage of the revival of romance.
Stage 8. The stage of true and long-term love.
Stage 1. Stage of euphoria
This stage does not last too long, usually from three to six months, otherwise both partners would simply burn out, since the human strength to endure such an influx of feelings is not enough for long.
The reason for the feeling of euphoria is that during this period our brain stimulates the release of "good" hormones: vasopressin and oxytocin. These hormones suppress feelings of fear. The euphoric stage is very important, because if we do not manage to get rid of our fears at least for a while, very few of us will dare to build strong relationships.
At the early stage of the relationship, we are not aware of any problems, conflicts, we do not feel the need for change. It is very important already at this stage to start expressing your needs and fears and to give your partner the opportunity to do the same - this is simply vital!
Allow yourself and your partner right now, without leaving for later stages, to be imperfect, because this is precisely the true uniqueness of each person. Ideal people and ideal relationships would be extremely boring, we’re bored with them faster than you can imagine, and would end as quickly as relationships on the screen or the pages of books. True love is also valuable because it is not just a gift of fate, but also the result of your joint efforts with your partner.
Stage 2. Stage "rose-colored glasses"
At this stage, the release of feel-good hormones, or endorphins, is reduced. It is at this stage that treason begins. People try to bring back the feeling of euphoria with a new partner, instead of allowing the relationship with theirs to grow and move on to a more mature level of relationship. There are also positive aspects of this stage, for example, at the moment of some distance and subsequent reunification, thanks to them, partners can gain confidence in themselves and in their actions. But in any case, it is better not to linger at this stage.
In order to quickly move on to closer, satisfying both relationships, it is necessary to solve problems without leaving them for later and without closing your eyes to their existence - to meet each other's needs, especially if they do not interfere with your personal interests.
Trying to change a partner, we force him to rely on his positions even more - he will begin to change only if the one who wants to change changes first - he begins to give love without demanding to receive something in return. This motivates the other very well to start doing the same. Moreover, partners often do this and so, but only expecting something in return. Therefore, these “gifts” of love, care, attention by another partner are not “counted”, because they seem to be mercenary, those for which you have to pay. It is enough to start doing all the same, but sincerely wanting to bring joy to your loved one - as the effect will be completely different.
Stage 3. The stage of the struggle of pride
After the veil of the first love subsides and the partners begin to see each other as they are, they begin to concentrate on each other's differences, as at the first stage they paid attention only to the attractive sides. The hardest part at this stage is to get closer to your partner, to become close enough to overcome the wounds of childhood. Because it is at this stage that the partners express resentments to each other, which in fact at one time did not say anything to their parents.
At this stage, you need to do the exact opposite of what the emotions that are "under the impression of wounds" from childhood dictate. Treat your partner like an offended child - this is how he behaves now. Persecutors need nurturing, while distancers need space. We get the opportunity to get closer and heal each other's childhood wounds.
Look for a solution in the process of dialogue, be ready for change. Communicate your decision, whatever it may be, with love, not anger.
Couples who split up during this period completely, unable to withstand the struggle of pride, in fact, had to change the pace of relations, and not change partners.
The next five stages on the path to true love and strong relationships in the second part of the article - Stages (periods) of relationships on the way to true mutual love (link to article, see below)
Stage 4. Transition period
Major changes require a transitional period in order to be able to change behavior yourself and move on to the next stage. To see and understand the role that each of the partners plays in the struggle of self-esteem, it is necessary to be in the shoes of a partner. When one of the partners changes in the flow of development of the relationship, he creates space for the growth of the relationship and change in the direction he wants his partner.
Sometimes change takes a break because fear of loss is the strongest motive for needed change. The pain of a break stimulates positive change and growth. The gap in this case is an opportunity to destroy the old and start all over again, bringing to the new stage all the good that was in the previous stages. If the couple learns quickly, the breakup may not be necessary.
Recommendations for how to behave during this period: Expect changes and be ready for them. Persecutors - Be patient and tune in to a positive outcome of change. Distributors should comment on their actions aimed at change. What is needed is a friendly dialogue, not silence or blaming each other. For both partners, appreciate the change and use it to benefit your relationship. Try new approaches to make the change effective.
Consider any negative situation not from the position of its possible unpleasant consequences, but from the point of view of finding a solution to its settlement.
Stage 5. Break stage
Most couples reach the point in their relationship where they have to deal with the issue of the breakup. One of them thinks about a breakup or goes to break up, or both decide to part at least for a few hours or a day. Breakup often occurs on an emotional level, even if the couple physically stays together. If a couple break up and do it in impetuosity and anger, then they most likely will not converge. But if the couple is at odds with love, if the step is active rather than reactive, the relationship can be revitalized and even benefit from a temporary breakup. Most couples need this stage in order for their relationship to move to a new level of intimacy. This stage can last several hours, days, weeks, months, but more often than not two months are enough for the Distantzer to realize the "empty" that has arisen in his life.
At this stage, it is very important to re-establish contact with the parents and the Distancer to forgive (mentally or in active dialogue) his parent-persecutor, and the Persecutor-the parent-distancer.
Recommendations on how to behave during this period: When some actions or, on the contrary, inaction of your partner trigger negative emotions in your soul, ask yourself: "Has this happened to me before?" Analyze the relationships that reigned in your parents' family and relationships with other partners in order to be able to change tactics in time and not to project old wounds and fears onto your partner.
Don't leave anything to chance. Don't wait until the next time it's worse than the last. Accept that circumstances have changed and act accordingly.
Engage in active dialogue and be attentive to your partner's needs. Beware of violating your partner's boundaries, otherwise he will become uncomfortable, with all the ensuing consequences. There is no need to talk about what the other needs to do. Act yourself, improve yourself, and not another - he will change after you.
Question: - Why do the former return to us when we stop suffering and began to build a new life in which we are quite happy?
Answer: a) - Knowing that the relationship is doomed, they still try to resume it (the relationship has come to a final end)
b) - The couple has successfully passed the test of separation and loneliness (the relationship is reaching a new level of development).
Stage 6. Construction stage
After the rupture stage, the construction stage begins. This is a second chance to find true, lasting love. Couples who split up to connect and get through this stage go into the most lasting and intimate relationships. They value their relationship even more, because they remember that they were on the verge of breaking up. Some couples break up permanently (emotionally or physically), in fear of a new phase of separation. They are afraid of problems, fulfillment of obligations - because they do not allow themselves to fully enjoy the reborn mutual intimacy. They are afraid of a new breakup and the loss of all these delights of joint relationships. But who is afraid of trouble, he ignores the joys of life.
It is also characteristic of this period that conflicts and tensions caused by a breakup awaken passion in partners. This is why physical intimacy at this stage is of particular importance.
Recommendations for how to behave during this period: Communicate when you want to show affection for your partner and when you need tokens yourself. Don't be shy and see how your partner will react to showing feelings. Communicate that you need space and set a special time for that. Communicate the reunion and renew the relationship with love and warmth, even if the relationship scares and worries you. Do not reproach or get angry, deal with your anxiety yourself, rely on intuition. Be honest about your feelings, but don't be overly emotional if you don't need to.
7 stage. The stage of the revival of romance
Whether you are building a new relationship after a breakup or your relationship is developing calmly and steadily, it is still time to change tactics and move on to the stage of the revival of romance. This stage is very important for any couple, but it is not easy either. The results are worth the effort.
It is necessary to help your love ascend, all the time to throw wood into the fire of love.
Recommendations on how to behave during this period: Do not be defensive: value your partner and play fair. Find solutions, don't go astray. A defensive stance leads to widening and intensifying conflict and foul play. Adjust your behavior so your partner can change theirs. Hug your partner when you feel like walking away and away. Don't forget to have a sense of humor when one of you enters into a struggle of self-esteem. Expect your wounds to hurt more when your partner changes. Be prepared to back down if you can take your relationship to the next level. Don't let the past get in the way of your relationship. Take responsibility for yourself and treat your partner as an equal.
"Join hands in the dark and then together you can find the switch."
Stage 8. The stage of true and long-term love
At the stage of true and lasting love, partners continue to grow and develop together and separately. When a couple reaches this stage, the relationship stops hurting them emotionally, and the wounds of childhood are already healed under the influence of mutual love. Partners are able to painlessly resolve conflicts, realizing that they are a natural part of life together. But there is a safe space for controversy, dialogue and working on disagreements "as a team." They understand that conflicts do not mean a break in relations, they are a means to both become more comfortable in each other's society. Therefore, the showdown does not flow into a struggle of self-esteem - they become a joint solution to controversial issues.
At this stage in the development of relationships, partners have time for romance, fun, and joint games. They no longer take each other for granted or as a means of satisfying their needs, a "balm" from childhood wounds and previous unsuccessful relationships. Partners respect each other, share the problems of the other, are ready to accept the negative qualities of a loved one as a chance for further growth and development. They find joy in overcoming problems and therefore do not fear them. Partners help themselves and the other to understand how to do what they do not understand. And they do not punish each other for what they have not learned.
Real love trumps euphoria because it is eternal. Romance and dizzying feelings now arise from the security and bond between partners.
Only a fully matured soul can truly love, and in this case, love sees its highest reward in strong relationships. IN AND. Belinsky.
Recommendations on how to behave during this period: “Work” as a team, play fair, let romance become a part of your life. Keep bringing new things to your relationship. Appreciate each other and enjoy your relationship.
Mutual love always grows, just do not prevent her from doing it the way she needs most at each stage of the development of relations.
