Stop covering up your instincts with love, which you, with rare exception, understand like pigs in oranges. Be Practical: Don't waste time.
We all once did not know those whom we love now. After all, how, in most cases, are pairs formed? There are two people who do not know each other. At some point, they meet, go on dates, wake up together, stop sleeping with others, go on vacation, and get closer together. Or maybe they don't, but they still cross the line that separates people who have sex "in a relationship" from those who do it "without obligations."
As soon as at least one of the two crosses this line, the most interesting thing begins: the clash of their ideas about the future.
Until recently, they were unaware of each other's existence. Each lived in a world independent of the other, and each of these worlds had its own picture of the future. And suddenly - bam! - these pictures collided.
The clash of ideas about the future is the couple's personal Armageddon: they may survive, but they will have to live on the ashes.
How do these collisions happen?
Well, for example, in her fantasies, which came into her head with the first menstruation, and so sat there, she sees herself with her husband and offspring at breakfast with orange juice in the living room with panoramic windows. In old age, she sees herself with the same husband in the same living room together by the fireplace.
And he, for example, always dreamed of an expedition to Antarctica and how, having traveled all over the world and having received an Oscar or Nobel Prize, he would sit like Bukovsky in Peredelkino and, sipping undiluted whiskey or white with ice, tap his great novel. And so that a young mistress would walk somewhere nearby. Desirable - naked. Quiet desirable.
Or maybe she was his mistress. She waited a year until she left the family where he has two children. Twelve months of the strongest emotional and sexual dependence on each other. And the man made up his mind. After all, children are adults. Has he, damn it, the right to live a little for himself in his fifties? So to get high? With your beloved young woman? Fly there together, here. To do everything that was sorely lacking in time before. Of course it does. Only this woman, who did not show any inclination towards motherhood, suddenly begins to have long and dull conversations about him.
And he's not ready! Becoming a father in half a year is not included in his plans, and no Tabakov with Zolotukhin and Luzhkov inspire him to do this. His young woman - yes, these examples seem convincing, but the man himself does not dream of becoming a father at the age of his grandfather.
Not for that he broke free from the captivity of his family in order to get into another, where he would be chased through everything that he went through 20 years ago: through children's screams, snot and poop, through milk dripping from his wife's boobs, and her fat ass.
“I wish I had bought myself a Porsche for my 50th birthday!” The poor man thinks, pushing a carriage with his screaming daughter in front of him, and sadly turns around after a flock of carefree students. And if a year ago, when looking at these girls, a man would have figured out which of them he would have blown in the first place, now much heavier thoughts are wandering in his head: “Will I live to see my Mashenka being like this? go home from the institute?"
The mismatch of ideas about the future is always a tragedy in a couple. There can be three ways out of it, but none of them guarantees a happy future.
The first way out: one of the two compromises his idea of happiness for the sake of the other. For example, a woman who has always dreamed of children refuses motherhood, or, which is more often the case, a man to whom the new children are not stuck with the word "completely" gives, gritting his teeth, the go-ahead for a woman to give birth.
Such sacrifices do not end well. You can be as hypocritical as you like and pretend that you are happy to roll a stroller, that you are touched by the breast of your new wife drooping from feeding, but if you dreamed of splitting the rest of your days in white pants around Copacabana, squeezing your elastic ass on long legs with your fingers, then happiness is in your life and does not smell. Yes, and in the life of your woman - too: in her picture of the world, the man from the state of his own fatherhood feels ecstatic joy, not fear of the future and, certainly, does not suffer from arthritis and Alzheimer's at the graduation of his son.
There is another way out: to wait until the partner himself matures to your picture of the world. Not to press, not to promote your own, but to live according to the principle: "What will be." This is always a risk, as the partner may not mature. And, to be honest, it will not mature. People rarely give up their beliefs voluntarily. And no one ever gives up the idea of their own happiness of their own free will. People go to this only under pressure: explicit or secret, which always becomes apparent. If you decide to wait patiently and without pretensions until everything settles itself, then all that you will wait is neurosis based on your own disappointed hopes.
The third way out: to leave. He seems to me the most reasonable of all. Even when the two really love each other. In a couple, where one of the partners gave up their idea of happiness, love is doomed. So let it be better that she dies right away than you find yourself connected with the person for whose sake you gave up your own picture of the future and whom you stopped loving at the same time. Well, or who stopped loving you.
However, it often happens that the ideas of the future for two coincide in everything, except for time. She is 25, they have been living together for six months, in the next two years she plans to become a mother. He is 25, they only live together for six months, in the next two years he plans to work abroad under a contract.
If two people do not have the same ideas about the future, consider that they do not coincide at all.
So what are we all to do? After all, it is very rare when people meet, choose each other, and at the same time their worldviews coincide so much that no one and nothing has to sacrifice.
There is only one advice: stop being hypocritical. Hypocrisy - in the sense that to call love your own plans for your own future, the implementation of which requires a person from the outside.
What people think of as love is usually not love.
Each of us has our own dreams of happiness. Most of us have room for another person in these dreams. When on our way we meet a person who, according to his defining characteristics, fits into our ideas about happiness, we begin to draw this unfortunate person into our world of the future. He rests, and we pull. Our world does not suit him, but we say: “Nothing, nothing! We'll shove it in now!"
Such stuffing always ends badly. And for the one who shoved it. And for the one who gave himself to shove.
If people were more honest and did not try to call their sex drive, multiplied by their own plans for their own future, love, but honestly admit that they are looking for someone who suits them, there would be more happiness in the world.
Our ancestors were not fools when they themselves married their children. The minds of adults were not clouded by hormones. They looked at the family from which the groom or the bride came out, looked at how similar the way of this family was with their own way, and made a decision. Often true.
Being determines consciousness. People raised in the same environment tend to have similar ideas about happiness. When a guy and a girl enter into a relationship, who since childhood go to the same church, who studied at similar institutions, and not he - at Harvard, but she - in the Perm cooperative technical school, who choose the same TV channels as a remote control, and not he - "TNT", and she - "Culture", then storms less in these relations.
If your goal is to realize your life program in the form in which you see it, do not confuse sour with warm, and love with your plans.
If you are a good Jewish girl who wants a good Jewish family like mom and dad, then do not go crazy about a dropout surfer from Albania from looking at the sons of parents' friends.
And if you really dream of love, then you should know: it is not at all what films with Jennifer end with, as a rule, Aniston, but it happens that Lopez too.
“Love is longsuffering, merciful, love does not envy, love is not exalted, is not proud, does not rage, does not seek its own, does not get irritated, does not think of evil, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices in the truth; Covers everything, believes everything, hopes everything, endures everything. Love never ceases, although prophecies will cease, and tongues will cease, and knowledge will be abolished."
Once again, carefully: he is longsuffering, does not look for his own, does not get irritated, endures everything, never stops.
Do you prepare yourself for this when you dream of love? Or is it to the bride's veil and blood in the cradle, eh, girls? Or, nevertheless, to the realization of their sexual fantasies with procreation, eh, guys?
Love is the opposite of selfishness. Do not try to put it on yourself if your “I” is in the first place for you. Be honest. Do what you dream about, and not what is included in the program of the life of a person who tells you that he loves you.
And if you doubt whether he loves or not, re-read the Christian definition of love again, and everything will become clear to you. 99, 99 percent of you will understand that no one except mom and, if very lucky with dad, then dad, never loved them either.
And if so, then what is the point of wasting your one and only, precious, precious life on the realization of someone's ideas about your own happiness? Just because you were told "I love you"? Isn't that stupid?
Do not waste yourself on those whose ideas about the future do not coincide with yours, do not think that this is love. Loving your ambition has nothing to do with it. Look for the person who understands happiness as much as you do, and at the same time you feel good in bed with him.
Don't look for love. Moreover, it is not given to everyone. You need to grow up to love, and only a few can do it. You need to be a very deep person to know it. Not everyone needs it. Not everyone is capable of that.
Stop covering up your instincts with love, which you, with rare exception, understand like pigs in oranges. Be Practical: Don't waste time. Build a relationship with the person who does not need to be dragged into your idea of happiness on the lasso, who himself will go there cheerfully and with a song, because he has it exactly the same.
How do you picture your happy future?