How to become emotionally independent
How to become emotionally independent
Anonim

Other people won't make you happy until you figure it out on your own. How to become self-sufficient and independent?

I must confess that for the first time in many years, I feel that I am emotionally untenable, that I need help.

No, it's not that I'm going crazy and desperate, it's just that I need someone else to meet my emotional needs.

And this became the cause of a number of problems that I had not the slightest idea about before: I began to have problems in personal relationships because I expected that a person would please me in every possible way, and when I did not wait for this, I was disappointed in relationship. I often felt unhappy because I expected happiness to come from outside, which is an unreliable and unstable basis for happiness. On top of that, I was in a hopelessly helpless position: if I waited for other people to make me happy and they didn't, what was left for me? And what could I do if at the same time they also brought misfortune into my life?

It’s only in the last few years that I have become more emotionally independent. And thanks to this, my relations with people began to improve, in general I became happier.

I do not consider myself an expert on this topic, but I can share with you what I have learned during this time. Being emotionally independent is very rewarding. Those who have already achieved this can confirm my words.

Basic rules for communicating with other people
Basic rules for communicating with other people

Check yourself

Are you emotionally independent? Ask yourself:

Do you expect your partner to bring you happiness?

If you already have a partner, do you turn to him for love, sex, to confirm your own worth, for support?

Are you upset if your partner doesn't respond the way you expect, doesn't meet your needs?

When you're alone, do you try to distract yourself from loneliness? How often do you pick up your phone?

How often do you complain to other people about something? Or how often do you get annoyed by what other people do?

Is your relationship with your partner the most important to you in the world? What about relationships with friends or with children?

Does it annoy you if your partner is doing something that has nothing to do with you or suddenly decides to do something on their own that you have done together?

Are you jealous?

The list goes on, of course, but perhaps some of you have already recognized yourself in these questions, if you answer them honestly.

And that doesn't necessarily mean you're a "terrible person." I also have a few of the above problems and am working on them. Most people in general have the same problems, just not everyone admits it, because believe that admitting this is to look in an unattractive light. And everyone wants to look decent. However, if you are in trouble, it’s not how you look from the outside, but who you really are.

How to change in a month: changes for the better in 31 days
How to change in a month: changes for the better in 31 days

In any case, no matter what is most important to you - how you look or who you really are, the following ways of independent existence will be useful to you. They will completely transform you and bring you happiness and peace.

How do we become like this

Usually people get used to emotional dependence from the very childhood. We rely on parents to meet our emotional needs - love, comfort, support, validation, and so on. We cannot learn the skills of independent emotional existence in childhood, since the parents who love us, themselves do everything in order to satisfy all our needs.

And then we grow up, and we do not have enough skills to independently satisfy emotional needs. And we are looking for someone else for this. We are looking for the perfect partner, or even going through a series of breakups because:

1) we do not have emotional independence, so we destroy relationships with our dissatisfaction

2) most likely, our partner has the same problems.

If we are in pain, we blame our partner for our pain. If people don't support us, we blame them too. If something bad happens to us, we imagine ourselves as victims, because if someone harmed us, we automatically become a victim, and we cannot control our lives, right?

How do you find the motivation to do something?
How do you find the motivation to do something?

But there is a solution: you just need to remember one such thing: happiness is within us.

How to become emotionally self-reliant

Looking for the source of happiness in others is an unreliable way to find it. People come and go, they can be emotionally closed for some of their own personal reasons.

And here's the thing: They don't have to satisfy our emotional needs. They themselves can barely cope with in order to satisfy their needs.

So, instead of looking for happiness in someone else, you need to understand that there is just no happiness there. Because it is within us.

Happiness is not in the future, or elsewhere. It is available right now, within us, at any given time.

How to find this happiness? Yes, this is a process of self-discovery, but here are some suggestions:

Stay alone with yourself, without distracting external things, for a few minutes. Take a closer look at yourself. Analyze your thoughts as they arise. Take a closer look at your consciousness. Understand how amazing it is in itself. This can already be studied and it will all be interesting.

One of the sources of happiness for me is creation, the search for new ideas, creativity. I don't need anyone for this, and people are surprised at my ability.

Also I really love to learn something. It makes me happy, it helps my personal growth.

Curiosity is an endless source of happiness for me.

I do not know how to communicate with people
I do not know how to communicate with people

Learn to solve your problems yourself. If you are bored, solve this problem. If you're feeling lonely or in pain, comfort yourself. If you are jealous, do not hope that someone will resolve your doubts - deal with them yourself.

Take responsibility. If you often blame those around you, understand that they are not the problem. More precisely, you may think that the problem is in some person, but, in this case, the solution to the problem is not up to you. And if you believe that the problem is not in him, then you will find the solution yourself.

If you suddenly find yourself complaining, find a way to be grateful.

If you are waiting for someone to help you, help yourself.

Create your own personal source of happiness. And continue to live as a whole, happy person, not needing anything.

And then, when you learn to be such a thing in yourself - take the next step from this source of integrity, self-sufficiency and independence - give your love to people. Not because you want love in return, not because you want someone to need you, but because love is wonderful.

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