I have an old friend Nikolai. Childhood friend. Such a friend is like a window for the soul. I chatted with him - as if I had breathed in the wind of childhood. Childhood friend, friendship.
I have an old friend Nikolai. Childhood friend. Such a friend is like a window for the soul. I chatted with him - as if I had breathed in the wind of childhood.
Right now we are watching a ladies' film. Almost a crime. But with a childhood friend, you can afford to watch a movie from the enemy camp. Kolya is swinging in a hammock, which I hung in my room instead of a sofa, drinking beer and commenting on what is happening. I live alone, so we take full advantage of the life of a single man. This is to come to visit when you like, drink beer from your throat, stay overnight if you feel reluctant to go home, smoke - wherever you want.
- Dimanych, if this movie happened to me and my new neighbor, she would never get rid of me in ten days or a month. She is perfect. Every day I go in the morning with her in the elevator and melee. She has a style, you know? And what kind of perfume she has … Believe me, I didn't even know that such a smell happens, mystic! There is definitely something about her!
- An eccentric, now in any woman who reads every glamor there, there is something. For the sake of this, they read all this garbage. I found something to be surprised! Or maybe you fell in love? If you fell in love, then act.
- It's unrealistic, Dimanych. You see, there are real and unreal things. She is beautiful, tastefully dressed, and I fix printers. She and me! This does not fit into a simple Russian "yes". I can't even imagine how to talk to her.
A frustrated friend is beyond my strength, I will go to bed with bones, but I will help, especially in such a trifle.
- Kohl, count, in five days you will be together, I guarantee! - I speak confidently and cheerfully. - So, the romantic sixties have passed, the lyrics have sunk with them, the seventies have passed, physicists have gone with them, now the ladies love "interesting men", - this is me, rolling my eyes, and saying in the voice of Sveta, our accountant. - Making you the ideal of a modern man! Brazilian system!
The first day
- Kolya, what are you going to interest her in? I ask reasonably.
- Yes, I don’t know, maybe go to the gym? - he awkwardly shrugs his shoulders, spreads his hands.
- Kolya, wake up, we have a week! If she's that good, then trust me, her lonely morning elevator rides are just a couple more weeks at the most. And in order to become noticeable that you are doing sports, you need at least six months. We will go the other way. We will make you a person with an interesting hobby.
- Yes, yes, I have a cactus, - Kolya got excited, a good sign - he believed in the idea! Half the battle is done.
- Kolyanyyych! Who cares about your dead hedgehog that stinks of tobacco ?! Stop smoking! And that's the point. We'll make you a city samurai. Mr. Yamakashi. It's unusual, it's stylish! Kolya is yours. You are as flexible as a forest cat.
The plastic cat is clearly confused. He looks at me, panic in his eyes, a question on his face.
- It's very simple, Kolya. A familiar aikido coach gave me a sword. Wood. The thing is stupefyingly charismatic. You enter the elevator with him, you make the pensive, mysterious face of a warrior on the path of truth. That's it, she's yours. You must understand, a woman is attracted to brave, mysterious men.
- Who am I going to fight with? - Kolya is unsettled, still - this is not a half-dead cactus for you, this is the path of a samurai!
“Fight stupid questions,” I say wisely.
Time is running out, I call a taxi and instruct a friend in the hallway.
- So, the final touch: stop at the stall, buy a chewing gum with a translator. Don't be shy, tell the saleswoman that your son wants to have an interpreter! Choose and buy. In the morning, transfer something more enigmatic to your wrist. You can use hieroglyphs. And that's it, she's yours.
I hate to be woken up with phone calls in the morning.
- Dima, this damn translator does not stick well through the hair. I began to shave my wrist - it's torture!
- Kolya, what translators, seven o'clock in the morning !!!
With difficulty, stretching the rubber of consciousness, I recalled my promise to make Kolya the dream of every woman.
- Dim, bought, glue, but the hair gets in the way terribly. I began to shave them. I have an electric typewriter, "Vostok", I don't throw it away - my grandfather gave me a gift, she tears my hair. It hurts, horror.
- Bray Kolya, this is the pain of finding! Keep in mind, ladies go to these procedures often, for people like us, they try! It is not a sin for you to suffer. So - will in a fist and shave. And do not forget your second hand, otherwise, God forbid, he will decide that you have some kind of infection!
Whining like my pug Zyuzya, Kolya hangs up. And I go to bed. I'm fine, Zyuze doesn't give a damn how I look! But my friend lifts me out of bed again. I'm going to him - to save.
- Dimanych, everything is gone. I finished my hands. I go into the elevator, that damn sword won't let me in, so and so, squeezed in, pressed the button for the first floor, she saw my translator. Dima, I swear, she turned pink all over! I flew out of the elevator like a bullet.
Kolya almost cries.
- Did you make a mysterious face?
Kolya nods his head dejectedly.
- Show me! Yes … The point is tobacco, it was necessary to rehearse.
Kolya looks like a man with gaps in his memory, who is tormented by the question of whether the iron is turned off.
- She didn’t want to go into the elevator, she said it was a sniffing sausage. That this is the horror from her childhood dreams. And he fell asleep right there in the elevator. He's an idiot, Dimanych. He lay down like a dead man and began to snore.
Kolya is in despair.
- Kolya, he's not an idiot! I've said it a hundred times! He's an autistic dog! Autistic people are almost normal people. Just in myself. In my world. I took him for a walk, snow fell on him from the roof, and he, quite reasonably, decided to leave this inhospitable world for his own! I personally understand him, Kolya. Stay out of his world! Please, he is dear to me - I’m getting started in earnest.
- This puffer is eating my Viennese sausages, Dimon!
I hear the noise of a falling phone and the sounds of a violent struggle.
- Your autistic person swept my Viennese sausages for 180 rubles a kilogram!
Kolya is simply heartbroken, a failure with a neighbor and my dog.
- Kohl, he liked you: he left his magical world for your sausages. Be proud of it!
- Take him, Dimanych, before I kill him!
A friend is a friend, and I'm going to his house, with wine and a harness for Zyuzi.
- Maybe I should retreat? Maybe I'm not her type?
Kolya is crushed by a series of defeats.
- Kolyanich, you drink wine, it helps. We will bring into battle a forbidden weapon of terrible destructive power - me. Look. Women love loyal, strong men. Going against the tide. It's you, but not here, of course, but in the astral plane! Therefore, we emphasize this! Let her see it! So. A classic proven over millennia. Hooligans, that is, me, and the knight on the white gelding is you. In the morning she will come out of the entrance, and from the bushes I am so all disgustingly awful! Gop-stop, we came around the corner. And you are like that - you throw me in all directions. Tears of gratitude and laurels of the winner. Delov something!
At the agreed time, he toiled near the path. Hearing footsteps and voices - hers and a man's - with a roar ("Scoundrel, let her go, I'll rip your head off!") He flew out of the bushes.
And fell into the abyss of despair. She walked next to the district police officer. Not tall, but sensible - only in this he looked like me. "Your documents!" - succinctly and succinctly. Of the documents Kolya has only a stick picked up on the road …
I raised all my acquaintances, everyone called somewhere, and Kolya was released with a clear conscience.
Motorola - Kolya, understand! Uncertainty about victory is defeat! Yes, she ran away, but maybe she was in a hurry. Kolya! We've just rolled up the siege towers! Patience, Kolya! Patience! Such are the modern ladies, Kolya. Only the golden calf. Only successful financiers. And then everything will be. Cheer up! You and I just got to the bottom of this tough nut!
I whine, I beg a good man to borrow an almost new jeep for half a day. Friendship conquers possessiveness. The jeep is fitted to Kolya's entrance.
I took my Motorola from repair. Kolya teaches a mysterious phrase: "If it is cheaper than a hundred, then buy everything!" This is what brokers say - a hazy caste. This is my find.
So, it's time to call Kolya. I dial and wait. Is not answering the phone. Doesn't pick up the phone for a long time. What is going on there, has he forgotten his phone at home? No, he picks up the phone and babbles in a completely uncertain voice: "If they fall cheaper than a hundred … - pause - … dollars, then please buy everything." And he adds: "Yes, yes, thank you so much, thank you very much" … Yes, the boss from Kolya is not.
In the evening we drink again with grief.
- But how did I know that there was an automatic transmission? - I make excuses.
Kolya sits, clutching his head, and sways from side to side.
- Crap. Cellular first. I was so worried that I tried to open it like a clamshell, and he was a slider! And then he tried to get under way for half an hour - only jerks, or backward or not. And I could not turn on the sound in this damn divyushnik - to the heap.
Kolya is crying.
- Dimanych, she got out of the car in deathly silence!
- Kolya, Kolya, calm down! There is a great idea! Just listen, I won't advise anything bad! Now the blue theme is taking off. A modern lady loves a refined, elite man who does not feel sexual urge towards her. With whom she can speak as a friend. Understand?
Kolya silently drinks a glass of vodka. Maybe I poured him some water? I smell, no, it smells like vodka.
- Dima. You're just an ass. You lie in a hammock all evenings, alone. You cook some kind of a boil, which you call "Irish stew." At the same time, you open the window so as not to suffocate … And you teach me? Found a teacher …
- Do you remember Kipelkin? Who put him in? I AM!
- Why are you lying to me? His parents introduced his wife. And you gave them tickets to the cinema, and then only because that red-haired girl turned you off. And I did the right thing, by the way! Me too, pimp! Sit already with your Zyuzya.
Well, of course, we quarreled. I climbed into the hammock again, and again alone.
It is strange why Kolya, for the sake of his beloved, did not agree to become gay? That's really strange! An ingenious idea … Well, very strange.
- Kohl, that's it, don't be blue, don't strain, the legend is changing. You are an astronaut. In orbit, I caught a huge dose of strange cosmic radiation. Miraculously survived. Retired. You teach young …
He interrupts me: - Dimanyyyyyyych !!! I just rang her doorbell and told her everything! Here she is, Vladochka, sitting in my kitchen, drinking tea and saying hello to the main ideologist. He says we have a wonderful friendship and wild imagination. Listen, she also has a bosom friend, shall we four go to the rink? Vlada invites you. Will you go? Just don't take your autistic dog! So I got off my hammock. And he met his girlfriend. And now I have no regrets. Thank you for real male friendship!