Anatomy of a quarrel

You can't live without quarrels! Quarrels as childhood diseases accompany family life. Anatomy of a quarrel.

(part one - why people fight)

The haze of unnecessary words separates us

The fog of resentment, someone's gossip:

And now - the vessels are clogged with blood clots;

Love lies paralyzed.

The once passionate gaze became icy

And the contour of the lips is contemptuously broken, And the spirit of unity was cruelly broken …

Souls screaming bitter scale.

We dance a spiteful square dance quarrels;

Flints of two ambitions sparkle, colliding …

And there would be no for us fools to stop!..

But, no …, we crush our happiness to dust.

(unknown author)

You can't live without quarrels! Most people on our planet will agree with this statement. Quarrels as childhood illnesses accompany family life. But you can get sick in a mild form, or you can get complications.

Why do people fight? Here are just ten of the most common reasons for spousal discord

1. After the first wedding night, the newlyweds face the question: who will wash the dishes? (options are possible: who will take out the trash? who will buy bread? etc.) and, if this is not immediately agreed upon in a benevolent manner, then this problem, inflated from "its own importance", will gloatingly pursue the spouses right up to the golden wedding.

2. Everyone has habits and preferences. But what seemed to be just a cute quirk before the wedding (for example, the habit of picking raisins out of buns) suddenly starts to annoy in a legal marriage. The notorious unclosed tube of toothpaste, a cup with a tea bag wandering throughout the apartment, or endless telephone conversations can serve as a reason for serious quarrels. And as psychologists say, if there are 2-3 such annoying habits, then you should already think about the presence of a family crisis.

3. Questions of raising a beloved child is another cornerstone that can lead to civil war even in a seemingly friendly family. Each of the parents in their views proceeds from their own childhood experience, building a model either in the likeness of their family, or contrary to its laws, if childhood memories are not so sweet. And it is naive to hope that the tracing copies of the ideas about the upbringing of mom and dad will ideally coincide with each other.

4. Quarrels over money are statistically ranked first. The wife, as a rule, is unhappy with her husband's earnings, he is always not enough even for “the most necessary things,” she said. And, despite the fact that the husband's salary is increasing, it is still not enough for proportionally increasing demands. Sometimes it doesn't hurt to reread the tale of the goldfish.

5. The husband is usually unhappy with the way his wife spends the money he has earned in the sweat of his brow. In his opinion, it is absolutely not necessary to buy shoes for each handbag, but a new handbag for each dress. And in this we can agree with him, if you do not take into account that a woman is a mysterious creature, and sometimes she only feels happy when her underwear and a bow on a shoe perfectly match in color and perfectly fit her eyes. But in fairness, I must say that an intelligent woman will never bring all this to the point of absurdity.

6. A husband is at work all the time - this is also a test for a loving wife. She, of course, understands everything and may even be secretly proud of her beloved, but you cannot order feelings. She is bored and offended, and inevitably begins to reproach her husband for the lack of attention to her.

7. Jealousy is generally a terrible monster, capable of gnawing out the tree of family happiness from the inside out worse than termites. Only trust and frank conversations between spouses can serve as pesticides against this parasite.

8. A bottle of beer on Friday night and a few glasses on Saturday - this can begin a family disaster. But even if a man does not go beyond reasonable limits in drinking alcohol, alcoholic weekends can provoke a woman to scandals.

9. The introduction into family life of all the fashionable theories in the way of life and, especially, in nutrition, is no less a threat to the peace of mind.

A handful of dandelions for breakfast, and a handful of seaweed with a pinch of soy meat for dinner will outrage almost any husband. Only a general (!) Desire for experimentation is not capable of disrupting family harmony.

10. Overly active mother-in-law, mother-in-law and other relatives, and even friends, intruding into someone else's territory without demand, can act as awakened volcanoes and arrange sometimes very destructive "sevenquakes".

This unenviable list could go on and on, because since the days of Leo Tolstoy it has been known that "all happy families are alike, each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way."

And, despite the huge number of reasons for disagreement, there is very little advice for loving husbands and wives: respect for other people's opinions, tact and sincere conversations with each other. And then your handsome liner of family happiness is not afraid of any storms and storms in the ocean of life.

We met, and through the shell of ice

Shyly the first warm ray made its way.

And dying love suddenly felt better!

It sounds like a prayer: "I love you"!

(same unknown author)

Anatomy of a quarrel

(part two - the consequences of quarrels)

Family fights are life-threatening

Rare light fights are harmless, scientists say. Like any dosed stress, be it even radiation, if it does not exceed five percent of the permissible level, then it even has a beneficial effect on the body, acting as a training for immunity. These are the latest research findings.

But if the quarrels are frequent and prolonged, or very violent, then this is already a serious risk factor for deteriorating the health of the spouses.

American scientists from Ohio State University conducted a series of experiments. The study involved 42 married couples aged 22 to 77 years. Participants were artificially inflicted on their hands with a vacuum pump in the form of bubbles. These wounds were then checked twice. The first time was when the spouses lived and communicated in a friendly manner, and the second when they quarreled. Wounds on the body of a husband or wife healed much more slowly if they spoke in a raised voice. In general, the processes of wound healing with 30 minutes of "related" stress slowed down by an average of 50%.

So the well-known saying “darlings scold - only amuse themselves”, unfortunately, does not correspond to the actual consequences of family quarrels. Moreover, as it turned out, stormy reconciliation is not so safe. There is an opinion of scientists that after the "conclusion of peace" the immune system begins to catch up. And the content of cytokines increases. But so fast that their level becomes too high. This can trigger a heart attack, diabetes, arthritis and even cancer.

Another conclusion of scientists is that a quarrel affects the health of spouses, regardless of its severity. As with a prolonged scandal, and with a short skirmish, after a few hours, a harmful high content of hormones still remains in the woman's body.

Researchers at the Ohio Institute for Behavioral Medicine conducted another experiment in which spouses were asked to fill out a questionnaire and then privately discuss topics of concern to their family. Over time, men and women began to argue and quarrel. The blood tests taken from them at that time showed that the tactic of the husband's “withdrawal” from the conflict further exasperates the wife, provoking an ever greater release of hormones, that is, the stronger the discrepancy between the intensity of negative emotions of a woman and the level of a man’s reaction, the more significant the impact of the conflict on the health of the weak half of humanity. And the only way to reduce the harm done by an argument is not to avoid talking and come to an agreement.

Aggressive communication between spouses has a strong negative impact on children, and not only on the psyche. British scientists surveyed 6,500 adolescents and believe that children who witness constant parental quarrels get sick much more often, and they are 10 cm shorter on average than their peers from prosperous families, because less growth hormones are produced in the child's body under stress.

Having evaluated all these, to put it mildly, not pleasing consequences of family quarrels, a natural question arises naturally: is it not better to live alone? And here scientists have prepared an answer that does not promise a long and healthy life. The fact is that loneliness is also harmful, especially for men, they are less adapted for solo swimming. First of all, this is expressed in the absence of a little regular sex. “And people without sex,” says physiologist Emilio Ciurlia, “put their lives at risk in the same way as smokers and diabetics. More than half of the men surveyed by me, deprived of regular sex life, suffered from hypertension and various heart diseases."

“Sex is good in every way,” agrees Professor Perry Barlet of the Queensland Brain Institute, Australia. He found that sex helps the body create and nourish new nerve cells in the brain. And it keeps it working. And this, in fact, is tantamount to rejuvenation. “Regular and active sex life,” explains the professor, “stimulates the production of a substance called prolactin, which is responsible for the formation of new nerve cells.”

And where else can you count on regular sex, and with a loved one, if not in a family

Another reason for the validity of the statement that living alone is not a panacea for the harmful consequences of quarrels and conflicts is that even if you are spared the second half that spoils your life, you hardly have a boss. And conflicts in the "corporate family" in terms of consequences are even more violent than scandals with a husband or wife.

Finnish scientists studied nearly 7,000 British employees.

“More than half of the respondents,” says the head of the study, Mika Kivimaki from the Institute of Occupational Hygiene, “assured that their bosses were bastards and tyrants. They do not take into account the point of view of subordinates, spit on their proposals, make decisions without consulting, swear, humiliating their dignity.

It turns out that such oppressive bosses literally steal years of life and health from their subordinates, because, as research has shown, they really suffer from injustice. The “offended”, as a rule, regardless of their age and even their salary, developed life-threatening cardiovascular diseases. And, conversely, the subordinates of the just bosses kept their health until the very retirement. Although many of them smoked and drank.

So get married and get married, there will be at least someone to complain about the boss. Love and appreciate each other, and, like a fragile crystal, take care of family peace. After all, this is one of the paths to a long, healthy and happy life.